We all went to sleep happy that night that the silly drama was over. The next day we woke up early to catch our bus to Berlin. Only issue is that two of our teammates got stuck in the elevator. By that time, I had about 2 hours of sleep the night before and I wearily thought, really what is going on? First, the crazy police and now we may miss our bus because of an old rickety elevator that's on its last leg? Thankfully, Holli and Benny were only stuck for about 15 minutes and we all made it on time to enjoy a 24 hour bus ride to Berlin.         

Here in Berlin, it's rainy, cloudy, and cold most of the time, but the consensus of the entire group is that we pretty much love Berlin.  Over this past week, this newly formed group has laughed together, prayed and worshiped together, gone on a walking tour of the city, and caught up on sleep from a year of constant travel.

The day after participating in the 28 hour Burn of prophetic worship on Halloween day (we did a 2 hour set), I spent some much needed time alone with the Lord. A lot of thoughts swarmed in my head during the past 24 hours. Our 2 hour set went well, and I even got to sing one of my favorite songs "Bless the Lord" by Tye Tribbett. I was excited to sing this song but a few hours before our set, familiar thoughts of insecurity rose up in me...what if I mess up? What if I'm not good enough? Yadda Yadda. It's funny because even though these negative thoughts flared up, I'm intelligent and grounded enough now to know how to distinguish a lie of the enemy when I hear, feel, or see one. I definitely did not want to make our time of worship about me, but my pride was on the line. And everything that I feared could go wrong, did. I couldn't hear myself singing, couldn't really hear the timing of the music, and my nerves were pretty out of control. As I prayed before we began our set, I asked the Lord to calm my nerves and that I would move the focus off of me to Him. He then asked me that, "if I fell flat on my face during our set, would I still do it if it brought Him glory"? Yes I replied hesitantly.

Now, it wasn't the end of the world what happened, but to me in that moment it felt like it. I felt like this was my chance to begin to walk in a gift the Lord has given me and I felt like I messed up and wasn't really good at something I believe the Lord is calling me to...to worship Him in song. Sometimes I don't even know what note is coming out of my mouth...but this is what you want Lord? My pride doesn't want to be like one of those contestants trying out for American Idol, who think they can sing, but have no idea it's quite the opposite. It's uncomfortable not knowing your place in a new group, let alone in your own calling.  

Yes it's silly that I have made this all about me. Who really cares if I messed up? Get up and keep going. But I do want to be honest that I have made it about me. My pride wanted to blow people out of the water with my talent. I wanted to be recognized as a significant factor. It's funny because even though these desires are still present, they are not the same as before. I am free from bondage of the mindset that I am inadequate and unworthy. I know who I am in Christ. Does my flesh sometimes act otherwise? Yes, but I know where my foundation lies. The Lord just may ask us to do things that are not always comfortable. Which is where I am at now in my life. I have a foundation in Christ and it's pretty glorious, and now I am learning how to build on that foundation, hence walking out my victory in Him. It's not easy, let me tell you. Ever since that awesome night in Romania, I believe I have been coasting on the joy of my new found freedom. While in Ukraine, the Lord reminded me that I still needed to go through the fire. And here in Berlin was my first fight. I don't like that I still have to go through things, learn things, struggle through things. I just want to get it already! The Lord gently spoke to me through Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in its time". I felt the Lord telling me " I will make you beautiful in your time. You are beautiful to me now, but let me mold you and make you into the person I have created you to be. Let me shape you... yes I know it is uncomfortable and painful at times. But I know what I'm doing."

I cried when I heard these words. Growth is a process; that quite frankly I don't always want to go through.  A few verses earlier in Ecclesiastes it says, "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven....a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." Well if you know me at all, you know that I love to laugh and dance, but I also know that as I have had a time of tearing down walls in my life, it is now time to build. It is uncomfortable, but it is time.

No alarm wakes me up this month. Well, actually I haven't really had an alarm ever wake me up on the race, I guess that's what I have teammates for. This month, home is a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment on the 10^th floor of our apartment building that I share with 13 other women (Team Bling and Team Gentle Warriors). Being the only two all female teams on H squad, it seemed ludicrous to some to squeeze so much estrogen in such a small space, but we've managed not to kill each other, and quite frankly enjoy each other.

The best part of this apartment is that I have my own space. How you might ask? I agree it sounds a bit absurd because for one, World Race livin' means no personal space, and this month is no exception. Yet I managed to claim a spot on the floor in the laundry room. Sleeping in the laundry room has its pros and cons. Some nights I get to hear the lovely washer machine whirr me to sleep, however, it has been known to break down every now and then, thus creating a small flood on the floor, aka my bed. Since I sleep under the clothes line, sometimes at night I wake up with a nice article of clothing on my head. But it's my own little space and I love it.

Kiev is a fun city, which reminds of home. For those of you who do not know, I lived outside of Washington D.C. for 2 years before leaving for the World Race. I lived in a high-rise apartment as I do now, I took the metro and a bus as I do now, and I'm getting my exercise in through walking, as before. Metro etiquette is similar to home as well. People don't talk much, especially earlier in the day, some cars are so packed that if you move an inch, you're liable to plant a big fat juicy one to the person facing you.  The language barrier makes riding the metro even more fun. For one I know about 5 words in Russian (Russian and Ukranian are spoken here) and even if I can pronounce a word, reading it is another story. Many letters used here aren't even found in the English alphabet, let alone make any logical sense phonetically. So how do we know what stop to get off at? Diligent memorization and counting. And if all else fails we ask a dozen people if they speak English until we get a winner.

Also, I would like to mention that I'm pretty sure I may be a celebrity. You'd think they've never seen a black person in Ukraine before, and let me say I know they have because I've seen a lot more here than I ever thought I would. Nonetheless, I haven't stuck out so much in any other country like this.

Walking through the city, running to catch the metro before the doors close, all remind me of the life I once knew. Except now instead of heading to a 9 to 5 job I get to hang out with children taken off the streets, discuss my year with theological seminary students, and have fun with new-found friends at English Club. However, I think my favorite part of ministry this month is hanging out with the kids at Child Rescue (www.crossrdsfoundation.org).

Our team has worked with children for most of the year, sometimes I have thoroughly enjoyed it, and other times I have looked forward to the end of the month and moving on to a new location. However, this time it is very different. I fell in love with these children. We have laughed together, played games together, made crafts, watched movies...and did I mention I speak about 5 words in Russian? Even with a translator, communication was not always easy, but I believe these children saw the love of God through our diligent time in the center. Some days I catch myself wondering what is their story, and how such sweet children could end up abadoned on the street. The Crossroads Foundation is an impressive organization, and from my point of view has gotten it right. This year we have been in contact with many people and organizations that have a heart to help and do good, but something is always missing, and I feel Crossroads Foundation has every corner covered.

Below is a video created about our time with the kids, English club, and exploring the beautiful city of Kiev. Please enjoy!

P.S. I have a little less than month before I come home! Tomorrow, I will be boarding a bus for Berlin, Germany. I, as well as 9 other members of H-squad, will be forming a worship team and participating in Burn Berlin (http://burn24-7.com/locations/europe/germany/berlin/). Kristen and I will be joining this team, while the rest of Bling will be traveling to Poland, Munich, Germany, and Prague for their last month. As I am sad to spend the last month of the race away from my team, I am excited to spend a month of ministry focused on worship, prayer, and intercession to bring the presence of God to the city. Please pray for safe travels and thank you to everyone who posted a comment, sent a facebook message, or email concerning my last blog, I was blessed by the encouragement. God is good!

Below is a journal entry (and some current comments) of an important day in my life.

 H-squad recently had arrived to Viile Tecii, Romania only a day earlier and we all are still getting acclimated to the quaint village. This morning, most of BLING chose to visit one of the surrounding lakes in the village for a refreshing swim. I chose to stay home and enjoy a little quiet time with a good book, as I realize quiet time will come few and far between this month with all 52 H squad members living on the same street. The day seemed like it would be like any other day on the race...or so I thought.

Fast forward to the evening. Not only are all members of H squad living on the same street, but there are 3 teams from other squads also living on our street. Needless to say the Americans have invaded this little village to do some work for the Kingdom. This evening the J squad invited our squad over to their house for a time of worship around a bonfire, which we gladly accepted. So Shannon, Liz, and myself went to the bonfire, while other members of our team went to a church service in a neighboring village.

This is where the night gets interesting...so I arrived to the bonfire ready to worship. As I walked up the pathway toward the fire, I turned and felt something smack me in the eye. I wasn't sure what hit me, as at that moment I didn't recall being close to anyone or any trees. Nevertheless, my eye began watering and I had trouble opening it. Thankfully a few of my squad mates checked on me and after about 10 minutes, I was able to open my eye, although it was severely irritated. Thus, while everyone stood singing around the bonfire, I sat in a chair letting their voices and the strumming of a lone guitar wash over me. I felt a bit out of it, but didn't think too much of it since I just got wacked in the eye, unaware of the events that would soon unfold.

Worship continued on with each squad lifting up praises to the Lord. During this time, a J squad member encouraged everyone to sing out praises and show God our thankfulness. People from different sections of the circle called out praises, prayers for Romania and words of adoration to the Lord. During this time, Taryn spoke out (from what I remember correctly) that "we needed to bind the spirit of rejection and that it had no place here." I remember thinking for a moment...hmmm, that's random... everyone else is speaking out praises and your speaking about binding things?? It was a short-lived thought, forgotten completely within the next moment, and I again let the music wash over me.

Praise and Worship around the bonfire carried on for another half an hour or so when again someone spoke out for those feeling physically ill to step out for prayer. Since I've had stomach problems since..let's see... Cambodia....and we're in month 9 now and Cambodia was month 3, I thought what the heck?  I'd say I qualify, so I walked into the middle of the circle with all the other sickies to receive prayer. As folks surrounded us in prayer, Jen Myers turned to me and asked, do you think it's just physical with you or also spiritual? I looked at her, contemplated her comment for a second and answered, "I don't know, I feel sort of funny, but I sure hope not!" She replied, "Hmmm well, I think it may be spiritual too." My shoulders sagged a little after her comment, and I thought great, I wonder what that means?

After speaking with Jen Myers I turned to my left and saw Terri praying quietly. I then watched her become over come with a joyful laughter. Jen Den was behind me praying, smiled, and whispered to me, "Awe that's awesome...Terri is drunk in the spirit!" I thought to myself, yeah that is pretty cool. I then turned towards the front again and began praying once again. Now, I will try describe as best I can what happened next....While praying, I felt the Holy Spirit come upon me and I remember bending over slightly, raising my hands to the Lord, and saying Hallelujah over and over again. I then knelt on the ground, overwhelmed by His Presence.

I remember kneeling on the ground, rocking slightly, tears streaming down my face, and....then I began to yell/scream. I wasn't screaming words, just simply yelling/screaming. I heard myself screaming and I remember thinking, "I sound like I am in soo much pain, this is crazy to be yelling such a sad and sorrowful cry"...but yet inside I felt fine. Well, I'm not sure if fine is the right word to describe how I felt, but in no way did I feel any emotion or pain to warrant the sound rising from the depths of my throat. And to be honest, I don't think I could have stopped even if I wanted to. It felt right, even though I didn't understand what was going on.  While this was happening, I could hear and feel people around me laying hands on me, talking to me, and praying for me. I wasn't alone. I found out after wards that many times I was told by different individuals to say the name of Jesus, however, every time I tried, I just could not get His name out.

My time of crying, rocking, yelling/screaming out in pain lasted for about 10 minutes.

Gradually, my rocking slowed, my breathing calmed and I opened my watery eyes to a loving group of people around me. I looked at them and said..."Yeah I don't know what just happened. I know it was crazy, but I couldn't stop. Honestly, I'm at a loss for words." As I was speaking, Jen Den warmly rubbed my back and then replied that she believed the Lord was trying to free me from something. I looked at her with questioning eyes wondering what it could be. She told me to keep praying and seek the Lord on what He's trying to do. Still pretty unsure, I shook my head in agreement that I needed to seek out the Lord.

During my little episode, the focus had definitely been on me for a little bit, but the worship leaders took control and played one last song to close out our eventful night of worship. As the closing prayer was spoken before ending the night, I stood arm in arm with Jenni Weir as I was still wobbly from my experience. While the worship leader prayed out loud, I also prayed quietly to myself, asking, "Ok God, what is it Your trying to do? What do You want to heal me of? I stood their praying for a few moments and the words "spirit of rejection" flashed across my mind.

Now, before I go on I will give a little background of my struggle with the spirit of rejection. This is something I have struggled with my entire life. I have felt a fear of rejection coupled with secretly feeling completely inadequate about most things since I can remember having concrete thoughts. This fear of being rejected was fueled by the idea that being rejected would mean there actually was a reason to reject me...and this then would prove what I feared most to be true. That I was inadequate, unworthy, and simply did not measure up. Even as I write this I realize how ridiculous it sounds, but please understand I fought against these thoughts my entire life. I will say it is not because of upbringing. I have very supportive and loving parents who have encouraged and edified me throughout my entire life. I believe in generational curses and sins, and I believe I have carried things that who knows how far down the generational line began, but I do know it was never meant for me to carry. This fear of mine bled into every part of my life: my personality, my communication skills, vulnerability, my drive and initiative, you name it...it was affected. I've always felt the need to prove my worth and to make sure people knew that Ashley Harris does have something to bring to the table. Now when I say all of this, it doesn't mean I led a sad, sad life and was a person who had no confidence (especially in the Lord), but I did portray a false confidence and I always feared people would soon discover my facade.

I believe the past few years before the World Race, the Lord has been preparing me for this day. I first started realizing that maybe the feeling and thoughts I had weren't normal and I wasn't supposed to have them. I then started putting a name to my issues. I believe there is power in calling out by name the strongholds in your life. Put a name to something and then you know how to start praying. And with prayer...well there is Power.

While on the World Race the Lord has also continued to prepare me for this day. For one, I am on an all female team where I have no excuse or room not to be real with everyone. Then four months into the year I was chosen as the next leader of my team, and honestly, it's not because I'm the best one for the job. Yes I've been in leadership positions before and led very well, but this time was a bit different. I had to face all my issues and insecurities head on in this position, and lucky for me they were stronger and more overwhelming than I have ever felt in my entire life. At the beginning of being the leader of my team, I walked in the lies...that I was inadequate and that my team would reject me if I made the wrong decision, and thus I led inadequately and in constant fear of being rejected. Which may I add, I have an awesome and very supportive team, so there was no reason for me to feel this way. Nevertheless, when I made the decision to fight the lies, I was able to walk in Truth. It wasn't always easy, and some days, I faltered, but I spoke the Truth to myself even when I felt anything but the opposite.

Fast forward back to Saturday night, September 5^th. 

I'm still standing arm and arm with Jenni Weir praying to God when the words "spirit of rejection" cross my mind. I don't know how else to say what happened next, but in that very moment I knew I was free. I didn't necessarily feel any sort of release or something leave me, but I knew. And with freedom comes joy :). I began crying, speaking in tongues, and rejoicing in the Lord. I felt completely surrounded and overwhelmed by Him, completely loved by Him, and I wept in how good He is. He loved me enough to free me from this burden! The Lord spoke to me that night, not in words necessarily, but in a warm embrace of love. I'm not sure how to explain it, but the Lord can speak to us without using words, just simply by surrounding us in His Presence. I don't know how best to express my experience other than to say I felt complete freedom, love, acceptance, joy, and peace...and man was it glorious!!!! Our God is worthy to be praised!!! I remember raising my hands, pumping my fists, and yelling out YES!!!! The best part is that the people around me then surrounded me and rejoiced with me! And, did I mention that I then got on my soapbox and started preaching to those around me? The main message I felt a need to drive home to everyone was to never forget that our Lord is Sovereign and He has not forsaken us. Lol, to say the least I was pretty fired up.

Looking back on that day, I at first wondered, "why couldn't He have delivered me earlier in my life?" I know God does everything in His own timing, but still...why? I realized, quite frankly I wasn't ready. I've seen and heard of people who have been delivered from things and then days, months, maybe even years after wards they are still walking in lies believing they were never delivered in the first place. You can be delivered of something but you still have to walk it out! I have an understanding that just because the Lord delivered me from the spirit of rejection doesn't mean that I will never feel rejected or inadequate in my life again. It simply means that I don't have to be overcome by it. There is such ViCtOrY in that statement! I now know and understand my true identity in Christ, and let me just say it feels pretty darn good.

Now, people get delivered from things everyday and how that looks is different for each person. I just ended up being the girl that probably looked like I was demon possessed screaming my head off, and yet having a glorious ending.... or beginning should I say, in the Lord.  It still hits me from time to time and I think, "I can't believe I'm free!" The verse in John that says "the truth shall set you free" could never ring more true. If you are struggling with something, I encourage you, keep fighting, and speaking out His Truth against the lies of the enemy. He has not forgotten you.

Oh and P.S. apparently, the home where the bonfire took place, got fined with a nOiSe ordinance and they were banned from having any more bonfires. Sad, because I'm pretty sure I had something to do with that, but hey if you're going to get fined for something, why not for something like an authentic all-out delivery session with the Lord? I know it's worth it :).

Above is the definition you would find in Webster's Dictionary if Bling-Up were apart of the everyday English language. This two-part verb originated when members of team Bling would challenge each other to do things already expected of a Bling member to be able to do. Nevertheless, on any given day or occasion, since we are only human, we may need that extra push to get the job done. This is when a sweet coaxing of the words "Bling –Up" are in order. Depending on the situation, a stern look accompanied by a soft whisper, "Bling-Up" is enough to instill a feeling of pure inspiration to do what is needed. Other times, a more forceful manner is required.

After a month of ministry in Botswana, Di Dinnis of Team Spectacle challenged my team member Kara to a wrestling match. Excited for a night of entertainment all members of team Spectacle and team Bling took our mattresses off our beds and lined them up in the living room. Kara, a kind-hearted girl, (who honestly couldn't hurt a fly) was worried she couldn't take the match seriously. Di, on the other hand, was ready for a throw down. As the wrestling match started, team Bling cheered excitedly for Kara. As minutes ticked away, the match was going well, and each woman gave an equal showing. Yet it came to a point a lil coaxing was in order. "Bling-Up Kara!" rose loudly from the throats of a few Bling members watching enthusiastically on the sidelines. After hearing such inspiring words, Kara sprung into action and pinned Di down in three seconds flat. Now, did any of us doubt that Kara would prevail? No....not really, because that's just how Bling rolls. :)

Bling- Up can be applied to any occasion in life when you need that extra push or drive to get ‘er done. I will be honest, it feels good to know that I can tell someone to Bling-Up, and they know exactly what is expected of them. To Bling-Up is not a pride issue but simply recognizing the God given talent and ability within yourself. Plus, did I tell you we have Jesus on our side? So truly all things are possible for team Bling if the Lord so wills it. So with that said, for those of you who rise to the occasion, I salute you, and say with confidence, Bling-Up baby, Bling-Up all the way J

 

I would like to share some random memories of life in the bush.  So here are a few things that happened in the bush and a lil bit from the start of our trek into Botswana:

**Arriving in Botswana and meeting the Walker family...an awesome family who nurtured, fed, and gave us a feel like home setting many miles from home before we headed into the bush. 

**One day sitting outside while doing logistics for next month, a large grunting baboon or (maybe even a mid sized gorilla) runs past me. Needless to say I basically freaked out....since it had been a week since going on a safari...and it was a little late for animals to be running around freely!

**Fat cakes- yummy balls of fried doughy goodness. Ate them at least 5 times while in the bush, and it was pure heaven.

**Tenting....I've carried that tent for almost 8 months now...so I'm glad to finally get some use out of it. It was nice to have my own space, but if I never sleep in a tent again...I won't complain.

**Campfire worship while gazing at the clear starry night sky.

**Riding a donkey. Bareback. That wasn't originally on my bucket list...but since I've done it...check!

**Falling asleep one night in my tent and hearing in the far off distance...children singing the "My God you are so Big" song we taught them hours before...

     (Bling cleaned up and out and about during debrief)

Last but not least check out the video below about ministry and life this month in Botswana!